How to Forgive Yourself and Others: A Step-by-Step Guide

"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude." – Martin Luther King Jr.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest, yet most liberating things we can do for ourselves. Whether it’s forgiving someone who hurt you or letting go of guilt from your own past mistakes, the process can feel impossible—like trying to lift an immovable weight.

But here’s the truth: forgiveness is not about forgetting, condoning, or excusing what happened. It’s about reclaiming your peace and freeing yourself from the burden of resentment, guilt, and pain.

If you've ever struggled to forgive yourself or someone else, this guide will take you step by step through the process—one that’s backed by psychology, real-life experiences, and practical strategies that actually work.

Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard (Yet So Necessary)

Before diving into how to forgive, let’s acknowledge why it’s so hard:

• Hurt feels permanent. When someone wounds you deeply, it can feel like the pain is etched into your soul. Letting go seems like erasing a part of your story.

• Anger feels powerful. Holding onto resentment can create a false sense of control—like keeping the pain alive ensures the other person doesn’t "get away with it."

• Guilt creates an identity crisis. When we struggle to forgive ourselves, we tie our mistakes to our identity. "If I did something bad, I must be bad."

• We fear being hurt again. Forgiveness can feel like opening a door to more pain or betrayal.

But not forgiving has consequences too—it keeps us mentally, emotionally, and even physically stuck in a loop of suffering. Studies show that prolonged resentment or guilt can increase stress, anxiety, and even impact heart health.

So, how do we break free?

Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain Without Sugarcoating It

Many people try to rush forgiveness by saying, "It’s okay" or "It wasn’t a big deal." But true forgiveness starts with honesty.

If someone hurt you:

• Name what they did and how it made you feel.

• Acknowledge the impact—emotionally, mentally, even physically.

• Recognize that the pain is valid. You don’t have to minimize it to move on.

If you hurt yourself or someone else:

• Identify what you did and why.

• Acknowledge the emotions—guilt, shame, regret.

• Accept that you are not defined by one mistake.

💡 Example: Instead of saying, “I just need to move on,” try:"I feel betrayed because they broke my trust, and that pain is real. But I don’t want to carry this resentment forever."

This step is about giving yourself permission to feel before working on letting go.

Step 2: Separate the Person from the Action

When we struggle to forgive, it’s often because we equate a person with what they did. But people are more than their worst moments.

• Your ex who cheated? They may have been selfish and dishonest, but that doesn’t mean they are incapable of change.

• Your friend who betrayed you? Their mistake does not erase every good moment you shared.

• Yourself? That bad choice does not define your entire character.

This doesn’t mean excusing or forgetting—it means allowing for complexity.

💡 Try this mental shift: Instead of thinking, "They are a terrible person," reframe it as, "They made a terrible choice, and it hurt me."

Separating who someone is from what they did allows you to process the pain without being trapped by it.

Step 3: Release the Need for an Apology or Justice

One of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness is waiting for an apology that may never come.

• The person who hurt you may not think they did anything wrong.

• They may have moved on while you’re still carrying the pain.

• Even if they do apologize, it may not heal everything instantly.

Forgiveness is about your healing, not their remorse.

💡 Mantra: “I do not need an apology to find my peace.”

Justice and accountability matter, but clinging to the need for them can keep you stuck. Sometimes, closure has to come from within.

Step 4: Choose Empathy Without Excusing

Empathy is often misunderstood in forgiveness. It’s not about justifying what someone did—it’s about seeing the human behind their actions.

Ask yourself:

• What might have shaped this person’s actions?

• Could they have been acting out of their own pain, insecurity, or fear?

• If I were in their shoes, with their life experiences, could I understand (not excuse) why they did it?

💡 Example: If a parent was emotionally distant, you might realize they were raised without love themselves. It doesn’t make their behavior right, but it can make it easier to release the resentment.

Empathy is not weakness—it’s a powerful way to lighten the emotional load you’re carrying.

Step 5: Let Go of the “Punishment” Mindset

Holding onto anger or guilt can feel like a form of justice—like if we let go, we’re letting them (or ourselves) off the hook.

But ask yourself:

• Is my anger actually serving me, or is it just exhausting me?

• Is my guilt helping me grow, or is it just keeping me stuck?

Forgiveness is not about saying “It’s okay.” It’s about saying, “I refuse to let this pain control me anymore.”

Step 6: Create Boundaries (Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation)

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean allowing them back into your life. You can release resentment while still maintaining boundaries.

• If someone is toxic, you can forgive them without giving them access to you.

• If you hurt someone, you can forgive yourself while still working to rebuild trust.

💡 Example: "I forgive you for what you did, but I also choose not to have you in my life." Both can exist at the same time.

Forgiveness is about freedom, not forced reconciliation.

Step 7: Practice Self-Forgiveness Daily

The hardest forgiveness is often the one we owe ourselves.

• Remember: You are not your worst mistake.

• Reframe your past: Instead of seeing it as failure, view it as growth.

• Take action: If guilt lingers, ask: What can I do to make things right? Then do it.

💡 Try this: Write a letter to your past self, acknowledging the mistake but also offering understanding and grace.

Final Thought: Forgiveness is a Gift to Yourself

Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook—it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional prison of anger, guilt, or resentment.

It’s a process. It takes time. But every small step you take is one step closer to inner peace.

If you’re struggling with forgiveness today, just remember:

💙 You deserve peace. You deserve freedom. You deserve to move forward.

🔥 What’s one thing you need to forgive—either in yourself or someone else? Let’s start the conversation. Drop a comment below. 💬

The deepest hurt in love isn’t the chaos—it’s standing beside someone, both knowing it’s over. No drama, no final words, just crushing silence and an unspoken goodbye that settles in your chest like a cold truth. You wait for closure, but all that remains is the echo of what was left unsaid.

- Dear Luna, It Fades Away